Just a place to talk

I need a place to "talk".  Something that goes beyond limits.  Right now, as I write this, my entire mind just wants to drop the floor out on me.  I'm aware of something that I share with only three other people right now and will not discuss until after I speak to two others.

My heart aches, my body aches, my mind aches.

I am tired of "fighting the good fight".  I'm tired of "being something no one else it seems is being".  I cannot do this any longer.  I realize people say I'm not alone.  I wasn't supposed to be alone in any of these tasks at any time.  But I have been.  For far too long I have been.  And it would seem the last cracks have finally broken open.

I have been the Warden of History.  I was the guy who put my foot down and held my ground.  I was the guy who was abandoned by people whom called me names normally reserved for the closest of kin.  I was the guy who forgave everyone because I know in my Soul that it does me no good to hold on to such feelings.

But I've lost.  I just don't have this any longer.

For the guy who thinks that Devil's Advocate is useful.  True, but not in front of the other side.  That was the third time now you displayed de-unification.  The job is soon to no longer be mine anyway.  I think I may be both grateful and deeply saddened by that fact.

For the people who said they supported me and what I did, I appreciate it.. but would even $1 or $2 towards that cause have hurt anyone?  The idea is for numbers.  No one thinks of anything anymore but themselves.  No wonder we are collectively losing ourselves, our neighbors, our country, our Souls.

The will to fight is gone.  The anger is so deep and broad within me that only the typing right now is how I can speak for fear of what words might come out.  I have lost the first lesson.  I have lost what everyone else believes they have learned.  IF they had learned it all, they would have heeded the call.

I don't like being here.  It hurts.  My left wrist is hurting now.  I'm not typing fast, but the pain is growing.  I will let it grow.  I stopped it the other day, but tonight I will let it grow.  If it consumes me, then I know I wasn't strong enough anyway.  If it doesn't, then I know this torment is just going to continue for a little while longer.  It means someone out there isn't done with me yet.

I don't know if that is comforting or scares me even more right now.

I fear Death.  It's not like what other people have.  It's not like the commonplace fear of it that most people have.  Mine is debilitating.  It resides inside me, and when it comes out, it's like an ambush predator.  It's overwhelming.  I cry out, I sometimes scream.  Once in a while I almost punch a wall.  But something leashes me back in.  Something keeps me from putting holes in walls and doors like I used to.  Something stops me from tearing out trees and ripping car doors off like I used to.

I fear that transition.  I don't know why. I can't explain it.  I've tried to explain it and I can't.  I start to cry and even the tears find restraint.  They are restrained even now.  What is happening to me?  What has happened?

Why is it so hard for people to accept when they have done wrong and find it so nice to blame someone else?  I am left feeling as if I must be to blame because everyone else is blaming me.  My elders blame me.  My predecessor's blame me.  The tax people blame me.  Everyone just seems to blame me.  I tried to accept responsibility for those that came before me.  I tried to accept the restrictions my peers constantly placed upon me.  What they still do place upon me.

And now, it's failed.  The structure has collapsed.  No one wants to help.  No one seems to care.  No one expresses real concern, they only feign it.  They don't take that moment to realize that maybe, just maybe, this one time ... it's for real.